Chicago Dominatrix
As this article was originally presented at in-person kink events, my personal opinion and experience is reflected within. I identify as a bisexual female dominatrix. My pronouns are she/her. I do not identify as a ” societal feminist”. I have taken into account the possible sensitive nature of my opinion ,hopefully by explaining it I will increase the general understanding of female dominance,sex work and the right to do as I see fit with my sexuality and body.
The definition of feminism from Merriam-Webster is “belief in and advocacy of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes expressed especially through organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests”
One of the issues with this definition is defining “Women’s rights and interests”. Much of traditional feminist theory is anti sex-work and anti – BDsm. The common misconception that a woman would not freely and actively choose sex work fuels this doctrine of anti-sex work feminism. It is lumped in with trafficking, abuse and poverty. While these factors do play a part in sex-work for many, it does not apply for all. Remove the trafficking part and we could say the same about some male-focused monogamy. There are many factors surrounding choosing sex -work and male- controlled contractual relationships. I do not pretend to be an authority here, nor demean any woman’s freedom of choice or life situation. Class, Ethnicity, Social constructs all play a part in choice. My focus here is to dispel some of the negativity surrounding sex-work and especially Dominatrices.
Feminist theory has come a long way since the 1970s. New ways of thinking about feminist have developed from intersectional, religious, class and conservative. Just as I desire to be accepted for my choices, I need to try to understand and accept another’s choices. While I may not be conservative, there are those that are and support the feminist ideals which go along with their values.The main thing I am advocating here in sex -work and BDsm can be a choice, an empowerment and a world of fun!
Bondage & Dominance/Sadomasochism & Masochism commonly referred to in our culture as BDSM has been regarded as a taboo topic for open discussion. However, more and more lately you see it popping up in lecture series, classes’ syllabi and round table discussions. Why? Why now? Is our society finally ready to open the closet door and let out one of our darkest skeletons? I can only hope so.Not all the portrayals are healthy. Case in point = “Fifty Shades of Grey” in which a stalker is romanticized. I have not read the book . nor will I with so much excellent eroticism written by actual kinksters on the shelves (support your local artists)! However, I have read enough excerpts and seen movie clips to know this puts forth a perpetually continuing facet of abuse being romanticized. Just like society sees Dominatrices as controlling, money hungry shrews who hate men, or abused girls with Daddy issues. Abuse is not a joke, nor one to marginalize for politic purposes. It is a serious culture issue that needs our support for the victims.
Many misconceptions are attributed to Mistresses, Dominatrices,Dominas,Dommes or dominant women (from here on in referred to as Dommes.)
Let’s begin with the common reasons that do not apply to myself as a Dominatrix. They may apply to others , but many people I know in this industry chose this profession.
Some of the popular ones I have been confronted with are:
- You hate men and like to hurt them.
- You are a lesbian venting your anger on the male sex.
- It’s a way to prove women are the stronger sex.
- You were abused as a child (by either parent) and this is your way of coping.( Valid reason but not one of mine, again I do feel any form of abuse needs to be heard and validated)
- You were raised by an overly aggressive mother and weakling father; or vice versa and are now
compensating. - You just need a good lay, dick, cock, fill in the blank.
- You’ve never had a stable relationship with a man.
While I admit there are those in this lifestyle who have these reasons, I am not one. I will go into detail later about my personal reasons for choosing my profession. Besides it being my form of sexual
expression, it is also my life-long career. I am a professional Dominatrix, sex educator, author and lecturer. I have now added Pod-caster to the list. Episodes can be found here.
Let’s look at this concepts we often hear as sex-workers . Please do keep in mind, this is my OPINION.
“Hate Men” First, why would I desire to spend my entire adult life in intimate settings, touching and being touched by beings I hate? Does this not sound like a wasted life? I LOVE men and women and trans and Queer and and… humans! People are more than their skins allow. We are magical, engaging, vibrant creatures to whom as a sex worker I can show the transcendence of pain and pleasure, altering our realities for power, sex, enrichment and ethereal magic. Second, to judge an entire gender solely based on traits displayed by some is the same as saying “All Women are bitches.” Let’s just not. Judge each person on their own merits and behaviors.
“Lesbian” Please update your outmoded opinions of who a lesbian, gay or queer can be. Educate yourself. As for venting anger on the male sex, why does anger only stem towards the males? Anger can be towards any gender. Anger is not defined by gender. However , a gender issue can cause anger such as sexual harassment, violence, rape.This is a very long and difficult topic which I am not knowledgeable enough to handle in one simple blog post. But to address the point- My career is not therapy therefore I do not take my anger out when engaging with clients. I am responsible for their safety. Anger can compromise that safety.
“Stronger” Why do we need to prove anything and to who? Again these hearkens back to the age old “Battle of the Sexes” Women, Men ,Trans, Non binary ,Queer are all strong in own ways. We should support each other in our differences. Plus my strength only needs to be proven to myself. I am the judge of my strength. Inner strength needs to bolstered in our society, not outward based on communal societies like the caveman pulling his mate by the hair after clubbing her. Men should be able to cry and not have their strength questioned. Women who are strong should not be called “Bitches”
“Abuse” This one is hard to address. While BDsm can be cathartic, and we do at times trigger memories of abuse, we should not engage as therapists unless licensed to do so. It would be unethical to treat my clients for trauma or abuse without the support of a licensed therapist or doctor. I can assist , discuss, support and help heal. And I have met fellow sex workers that use their career as support for themselves and their clients to embrace trauma.
“Parents” Having an aggressive or strong mother and weak father doesn’t mean I’m going to grow up to be a Dominatrix. Neither does the opposite.While environment can affect one’s careeer path, it is not a set in stone for future life choices. We have freedom of choice. I grew up to be a Dominatrix because I’m a natural dominant, enjoy controlling others in a safe setting and am perverted as hell. It allows me freedom of expression and sexuality.
The last 2 I’m going to keep simple : Had plenty of both. Have plenty of both. Come up with a new line as we’ve heard it before. It also makes the male biased assumption that all we want is dick. That’s your fantasy honey, not ours.
Assume the position
Now, let’s touch on feminism again.You would think being a dominant woman goes hand in hand with feminism. Those reasons stated above are just a few of why aligning with the popular feminist theory while being a dominatrix can make it difficult. People don’t want to hear that a strong woman can actually enjoy the pleasure she receives from controlling men. That I enjoy the kinky activities I partake in. She must
be a card carrying militant feminist! They don’t want to accept that one can be well adjusted, in a happy relationship, from a good home and not abused as a child.
It is difficult for many people to accept that anyone would desire to explore an alternative sexuality without being encumbered by heavy issues. Similar to porn stars, many women in the BDSM community are exposed to continual harassment from people for participating in such a deviant practice. Being the dominant women, I should be upholding the feminist creed of no subordination/subjugation by
controlling these men. I am the stronger gender in my lifestyle. I am not subjected to the domination of men in my lifestyle.Or am I? All relationships have a component of power exchange. You visit the dentist – he tells you what needs to be done ; you go out to eat, get good service, reward with a tip ; you obey traffic laws- you don’t get arrested. Even as a Dominatrix I need to consider my play partner’s interests. Otherwise I would be out of a job. I may have more control over the total engagement than others, but I still need to be well-matched with those I see.
It may easier for me than my submissive sisters who must deal with all the negative connotations of female weakness, domestic violence and physical abuse. A submissive woman could not possibly be a feminist if she lets men control her and physically or emotionally manipulate her.How could she willingly place herself in the subordinate position, under a male? Consider for a moment, the immense amount of inner strength a submissive woman must have to place herself in that position against all current social constructs. She must truly know her inner desires and have the strength to pursue them regardless of how others might react to her. Much like our fore-mothers who pursued suffrage.
Along with BDSM as a sexual activity may come social activism, community awareness and political lobbying. These are all goals the original feminists strove for in the Suffrage movement.
It was not simply enough to obtain our right to vote. The bigger goal was complete social reform. Suffragists were concerned with all aspects of society from the social to the moral. They
sought to bring about the change of society by upholding its most valued principles: honesty, humility, charity and selflessness. I know a fellow dominant woman who is currently using her
leather woman title to actively support the HIV clinical trial studies. Another friend uses her voice to petition all women to have mammograms. Many leather groups actively petition for
overall LGBTQ? Rights. Personally, I used my platform to increase awareness about bisexuality within our community and LGBTQ? relationships. If this is not continuing the founding
mother’s feminist principles, I do not know what is.
To further explore the feminism connection, the ability to express ourselves however we desire within both our sexual and daily lives stems directly
from the contraceptive battles of the 1940s and 50s to the feminist bra burning fights in the 1970s. These women fought hard for the right to enjoy sex, have an orgasm and stand up and say:’ We like sex, we want sex and we are not
ashamed of it!” How we devalue their efforts now saying to other women that they can only enjoy sex how we as a whole group feel is unacceptable. We should be ashamed of ourselves!
One of our common Leather community principles states that all safe, sane and consensual activities are accepted.Another version is RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The keyword here is consensual. BDSM is about empowering all people, especially women, to explore their sexuality in a safe context. We have set community standards for those interested to follow when they first enter the BDSM world. There are BDSM safe houses for those who are in abusive relations and desire to leave them. BDSM educators across the nation seek to inform the general populace about the reality of our lifestyle.
Repression of our sexual desires has been shown to do more harm to our psyche than expressing them safely with those who we love (Social Psychology, Aronson, Wilson & Akert,
2002). Freedom of choice is one of the major tenets we base our country on. This right should be extended to those who practice alternative sexualities safely.
Now to the reasons I AM a dominant woman active in BDSM:
- I love men,women,trans, queer, non-binary = souls! I enjoy their reactions to the activities I administer upon them.
- The power exchange between active parties in a scene is beyond explanation. It is a much more
spiritual bond than I have encountered in my non-BDSM relationships. - The people in the community I have met are extremely intelligent, honest and moral. I enjoy
having such people in my life. - Freedom of expression. It enables me to utilize some of my creative juices on a regular basis. Read my take on how we as adults need play.
- My office is the coolest , and my work uniform beats most.
- Connection- control- compassion
Professionally, I am fulfilled by assisting those who come to see me express their fetishes safely in a controlled environment. I do not partake in sexual exchange with my clients. Among my
clients I have married men and women who can’t otherwise express their BDSM. I also have elderly and handicapped clients who are uncomfortable with public display or desire the safety
of a professional. I have women who have submissive desires and are more comfortable with a female Dominatrix than a male master. My current desires for professional scenes are clarified here.
Those are some of my reasons for being a dominant woman in the BDSM lifestyle. They are not everyone’s reasons. Power does come into play. I will not deny I enjoy my power over males.
But it is not solely my reason. I also enjoy my power over all my submissives , regardless of gender. Other women I know have used it as a tool for such empowerment. I feel it can be a great healing tool for women dealing with all types of psychological issues, if coupled with proper therapy.
Feminism is a societal label slapped on a concept designed to place females into a controllable group. Feminism does not have tenets beyond the bolstering up of female identified genders. If my feminism means I get to live the life I choose as a sex worker that is no less feminist than a bra burning traditional feminist. Choice is choice.
I hope my thoughts here have given you some insight into our world. Many of the issues raised within this blog bear further exploration and research. I hope to continue my growth within
this context and develop a sound body of work to help our society better understand females involved in BDSM.
SUGGESTED READINGS/REFERENCES
Art of Sensual female Dominance
Thinking Kink : The Collision of BDsm, Feminism and Popular Culture
“Nagging” Questions: Feminist Ethics in Everyday Life
Female Domination by Elise Sutton
Sexually Aggressive Women: Current perspectives and Controversies. Edited by Peter Anderson